An Oldie but a Goodie—submitted by MiserysChyld

 

'TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS, HANSON STYLE!! 
by Jay Windley 
 
'Twas the night before Christmas and in Hanson's garage 
Not a creature was stirring, not even the Dodge. 
The tires were hung on a nail with care 
In the hopes that St. Nich'las would fill them with air. 
The walls were all covered with cartoons aplenty, 
Too many to count them, but WAY more than twenty. 
Tay's Kurzweil keyboard lay switched off and quiet, 
And Zac's favorite drumsticks were on the stool by it. 
Ike left his guitar safely perched on the amp, 
Just in case the garage's hard floor would get damp. 
 
The brothers themselves had gone upstairs to sleep, 
Their Doc Martins thrown on the floor in a heap. 
And as they lay snoring and drooling and dreaming, 
Their ears were still ringing from all the fans screaming. 
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter 
They sprang from their beds to see what was the matter. 
They ran to the window to peer through the glass 
(Except Tay tripped on something and fell on his -- hiney). 
The speck in the distance began to advance; 
'Twas a sleigh pulled by Spice Girls in leopard-skin pants. 
The little old driver was bobbing and swerving; 
His lack of control was especially unnerving. 
His shouted instructions had no great effect, 
For the sleigh's fright'ning airspeed continued unchecked. 
 
And then in a twinkling Zac heard o'er his head 
The sickening thud of a crash-landing sled. 
Shouted Santa: "That sure wasn't one for the books!" 
Said the Spice Girls: "We're sorry, we're hired for our looks." 
Santa climbed down the drainspout both quickly and nimbly. 
(See, that's what he does when the house has no chimbley.) 
Isaac opened the window and Santa stepped through it, 
Saying, "No one can land the way Rudolph could do it. 
You guys have no clue how much trouble you've caused me. 
I haven't seen mayhem like this since Bing Crosby. 
It used to be kids wanted Barbies and Slinkies." 
Then Zac said "Relax, have a chair. Want some Twinkies?" 
 
Santa reached for his sack with a fur-covered fist 
And he pulled out some paper and said "See my list? 
I've got 'Middle of Nowhere' clear up to my eyeballs, 
Not to mention a sleigh being pulled by your rivals. 
That sleigh isn't tough like a Ford or a Chevy. 
The past several years it's been just too darn heavy, 
And all the old reindeer can't cut it no more. 
And besides I don't know what else Girl Power's for. 
I've got calendars, T-shirts and hats by the truckload. 
The wish list from fans takes two hours to upload. 
And your video -- 'Tulsa and Tokyo Wherever,' 
Just to fill all these orders is quite an endeavor. 
They want your old albums like 'Boom'rang' and 'Mmmbop.'" 
He paused for a minute. (What the heck rhymes with "Mmmbop?") 
 
"I've got letters from girls who are dying to kiss you. 
Some girl in Des Moines wants your used Kleenex tissue. 
So what did you guys do to cause all this clamour? 
You're driving me nuts; I'll end up in the slammer." 
"Beats me," answered Taylor. "I guess we're just lucky. 
But some people think that our music is yucky." 
Said Isaac "We didn't do all this on purpose 
But so far nobody has tried to usurp us. 
We're sorry demand for our stuff keeps on rising, 
But you are the guy with the best merchandising. 
Do you know what you brought us last time you were here?" 
"Oh, yeah. You're the guys that got Legos each year." 
 
A voice from the roof gently fell on his ear: 
"Get a move on it, Fat Boy, it's freezing up here." 
So he said his goodbyes and climbed back to his sleigh 
And he said to his team "Alright girls, let us pray." 
But they heard him exclaim as he drove out of sight: 
"Merry Christmas to all -- No, you morons! Turn right!" 
 
(c) 1997 Jay Windley.